Welcome to Virtual Trinity Church

Thank you for visiting our website today – VirtualTrinityChurch.com! Hopefully you will find out all you want to know about us from your visit.

We are the greatest worship and church experience on the planet, now, in the past, and in the future.

There is no reason to go to church ever again. Why waste the gas, sit in traffic, get dressed, and take a bath. Join the biggest church service in history online at Virtual Trinity Church. At anyone time over 200,000 people are online peaking at over 3 million on Sunday. If the people are hanging out with us that must be saying something! Go with a proven winner.

Upon login you pick your music style. Want Chris Tomlin to lead you today? No Problem. Would rather hear Skillet? Go ahead and click on the radical worship section. Prefer hymns? Choose from over 100 prerecorded pipe organs from actual churches around the world. Are you from a denomination that doesn’t believe in instruments? Well, we have you covered. There is a special acapella section.

But wait, it gets better. Do you have a nice pastor but he is only a so so preacher? Virtual Trinity Church has tens of thousands of great sermons you can pick from by the best communicators that ever lived – all on HD video. You can even pick recreated sermons done by actors using the great sermons from Charles Spurgeon, George Whitefield, D.L. Moody, John Wesley, and yes, even Martin Luther complete with monk’s robe. Now that is exciting Christianity.

Look at other benefits you get with the free subscription!

You won’t have to sit next to someone you don’t know and act like you care.

Church splits? Never again. No one will even know your there. We will also never give out your email to anyone that may have the nerve to ask you out to lunch after the service. It’s just you and God at Virtual Trinity Church.

You will never be asked to be a volunteer again. We have it all covered for you. Just sit back in His presence.

There is a special kids section on the website where they can get name brand designed connect the dots pictures with coloring of great moments in the Bible.

As if all that is not enough, it gets even better with the premium worshipper subscription model of just $9.95 a month. With the premium worship subscription you get:

No ads during the worship and message videos.

Customized Counseling module. Just log on day or night and immediately a counselor is available giving you whatever advice you want. You think the problem is with your spouse? We have counselors who will agree with you. Think God is asking too much and He should back off, no problem, we have the best grace filled preachers on the web. Need some sympathy? We will give it to you with as little or many tears as you feel you need. You will feel listened to or your money back.

Change your Pastor’s Looks. Love to hear Joel Osteen speak from our video library but want someone who looks older because you want a father figure in your life? Sign up for the premium model and you got it with our special graphics software.

Variable Playback Speed. As convenient as Virtual Trinity Church is there are times you just can’t spend much time with God. We understand this. So you can speed up the whole service. Just click the 1.2 times, 1.5 times, or even 2 times the normal speed button in the lower right hand corner. We call it speed worship. All the stuff in half the time! God has never been more convenient. He understands you are a busy person and He will work with you.

Prophecies. You can get up to 4 prophecies a month from our special custom written software that will prophesy your soul into happiness. It looks at your account preferences, past history, and other proprietary factors to give you a prophecy that will never let you down. Having a bad month and need more prophecies than that? Just look at the pricing page for volume discounts.

So login and sign up for the premium worshippers subscription package. There is no better way to touch God than through the internet. By the way, there are discounts if you pay for a whole year at a time.

Remember, God doesn’t change but we do and He respects that.

Note from Craig Cooper: All right, I admit this website doesn’t exist and I made up the whole thing. But when I look at trends in the ministry in America and with technology I do have to wonder. Have a great week, and if you need me as your pastor, please check out my great looking avatar that talks on my blog before calling. Just kidding.

10 thoughts on “Welcome to Virtual Trinity Church

  1. That was great! Pastor, what a great sense of humor! But it wouldn’t surprise me if I saw something akin to that in the future. Sure glad we still have the “real” thing. Thanks for making me smile today!

  2. LOL!!! The only thing that I would add to this is with the premium subscription you should also include the new prophecy cookies. Not to be confused with forturne cookies as we as christians don’t partake in this kind of stuff!!!! Prophecy cookies could be great tools for those to afraid to give a word to those in which they feel lead. They are also cool to leave in public restrooms on top of the chick tracks cause hey then they get the word and prophecy of the day all in one setting. Love you Jason

  3. You could be the star MP3 though. It would be bad if they replaced your face while you were singing with someone else’s though. 🙂

  4. Prophecy cookies. That’s great. We could put the church logo on them in organic dye for a bit of color.

  5. Yeah Sean I think I’m in the mood for Sylvester Stallone lip sync’n your worship mp3. I love you but could you imagine how cool that would be. And maybe Mike Tyson could fill in and lead worship in dalton for me!!! lol Love you man. Jason

  6. I agree the church logo should be plastered all over them and maybe a photo of the church pastor! lol. I do however have one suggestion, the organic thing is cool but because of the various people we are reaching out to it might be a good idea to give the consumer a choice between organic and colorful lab induced toxins! lol. Love you man.

  7. Creative minds in technology are going to work at this moment. Once again you have given your multi-million dollar idea away. You just threw it out there, and now someone is going to take it and run with it! :-))))))

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