“Oh No! It’s happening again!”
“I can’t do it this time. I will never make it out. I can’t take the trip downward again! I almost didn’t come back up last time. What if I don’t get out this time? What if I stay down forever? What will happen to my family, my job? What will my friends think?”
“It hasn’t been that long since I made the trip before. Why can’t it just go away and stop dragging me down?”
“It’s just like last time but more intense. It’s coming at me and pressing in.”
“Oh my God please save me!”
“I hear my friends telling me not to give in but their voices are dimming as I go down. It won’t be long till I will not be able to hear them any longer.”
I turn to see the door of my dark soul opening. It is a cave that is dark and foreboding. It’s mouth is mocking me, inviting me sarcastically to enter a place that it knows I do not enjoy. Before I could turn away I am walking down the hard corridor bumping into the walls with my spirit.
As I step through the door of my soul’s cave my vision narrows to a few feet. A chilling, cold wind blows across me from seemingly miles beneath my feet from dark places that I have yet to explore. As my eyes adjust to the low light I see a spiraling staircase carved out of stone making its way downward to places that provide only torment. I feel the hardness of the first stone step up into my back as painful memories flood my mind. “God,” I whimper, “why is this happening to me again? Please make it stop.”
Descending the staircase I go round and round downward and my twin friends of loneliness and hopelessness grip my heart. They come flooding up into my lungs like water filling a pool drowning me of all life. I can no longer hear my friends, reality, or hope. Something destructive keeps pulling me towards it. I am now surrounded by total darkness and have to direct my path with my hands against the wall while my feet search for the steps. But I keep going down and I am powerless to stop it. Constantly I feel like I might fall and then I would not know which way would be up.
Something is drawing me with malice and anger. Though I feel no human presence its voice is real and cruel: “You are worth nothing…You are going insane…You have no hope, only death and heartache awaits you. There is no hope from your situation.”
In my soul I crumple to the floor crying out for deliverance.
In my body I fall into my bed hoping for sleep that will erase the drowning. For in sleep is the only place I find temporary relief from this cave called Depression.
As my body falls asleep, I enter a dream. At least I think it is a dream, maybe it is more. I see Jesus approaching me. Maybe it is a God dream. He speaks to me, “Son, you will never be delivered from depression by looking inward. You must turn your eyes upward towards the cave entrance and look for me. Your soul is a never-ending staircase that leads to destruction. Introspection will only take you deeper. You must stop looking downward into the pit and look upwards toward me.”
I am suddenly awake in my bed. Was that God? Was that my imagination? Will that work? Pills and other sedations haven’t worked. Is that my cure for depression?
I turn the eyes of my soul upward and start looking for Jesus and whisper under my breath, “Jesus, I need you.”
As I sit up in the bed I feel myself walking back up again the spiral staircase. “Just keep my eyes upward I repeat to myself. Just keep my eyes upward.”
Written for everyone who suffers from depression. Always look upward.