Here is how to be perfect in everything you do?. Be warned, this is probably not the answer you are expecting. But here it is from James 3:2b (The Mirror Translation) says, “if you want to be in perfect charge of your whole person, the best to begin is to take charge of your tongue.”  

This verse provokes me, intrigues me, makes me confused, not sure. But I would like to be perfect. The word ‘perfect’ according to Strong’s Concordance means: complete – consummate human integrity and virtue. 

Can you imagine controlling yourself completely in every way? Becoming a consummate human being in integrity and value? Sounds awesome. Not sure I have any hope of taking charge of my tongue. But let’s at least talk about it.

Tip #1 – Wake up every day and ask him for self-control.  

The most important resource in controlling our tongue is Holy Spirit’s fruit of self-control. But the fruit of the Spirit is … self-control (Galatians 5:23). Give him permission to ‘check’ you when you start saying something you shouldn’t. Prayer Guide: Holy Spirit, I give you permission to notify me before or even while I am speaking to pause and reflect on what I am saying. Amen

Tip #2 – Learn to Pause. 

The word ‘pause’ is a powerful tool in your life to control your tongue. Before you speak, try literally pausing for 3 seconds before you respond. Count in your head to 3 or do it on your fingers. Oh, so many times I wished I had done this. Those 3 seconds would have saved me from saying dumb things or even mean things. Practice the Pause.

The pause makes you think before you speak. It is the first step to learning to control yourself in every way. One reason to pause is to learn how to listen to others. When you listen, it quiets our own ego. It moves our attention from being on us to others. This develops humility! By having to talk first it reveals the extent of our ego and thinking only of ourselves.

Pausing gives us time to properly format a response instead of just reacting. If the conversation is not going well, it gives us time to give any wrong emotions like anger or defensiveness to God. You can ask, “should I say this and how”? A much better conversation always results.

Thinking before you speak allows you to be clear and brief. Here is one of my favorite phrases: “Clarity is Gold. Brevity is a Gift.” You don’t want to be that person who is always talking but never says much. If you do this, people may tolerate you but they don’t anticipate you. You want to be someone people want to hear from. So formulate a clear brief response before you speak. Ask Holy Spirit for help. He will and before long you will be speaking with a new authority.

Pausing also allows us to hear other people’s opinions. It is important to remember that hearing other people’s perspectives balances out our own perspective and leads us to greater wisdom.

When you pause and let others speak first or more often, it shows value to them. When they are listened to it gives them importance. It is a way of showing others that they are valuable. In a way, you could call it a ministry. A ministry of caring. You like when people listen to you, right?

Tip #3 – Try not giving your opinion unless asked. 

If you are like me, I love giving my opinion. But if you don’t share yours, you may be surprised to realize how few will actually ask your opinion. Most people just want to talk about themselves. Realize if they don’t ask, they probably don’t really want to know your opinion. When you aren’t trying to get your point across you will experience increased peace. Not striving in conversation is wonderful.

It takes Holy Spirit’s fruit of self-control to restrain yourself from talking about yourself. But remember, as you restrain your tongue, you are learning to restrain your whole body. You are also learning to subjugate your ego. Discipline is coming your way! Control of yourself is happening.

Don’t worry, there will be times to share your opinion, when the other person asks, or the Lord says too. When you do share don’t try to convince them of what you are saying. State your opinion once. Don’t be that person that insists on agreement. If it is a good or Godly opinion they will hear you if they are open. If not, why keep talking? No one changes until they want to or Holy Spirit convicts them. Rest in not trying to convince others. It is a peaceful place.

Tip #4 – Don’t speak for more than 1 minute at a time. 

It is called the “stoplight rule” and it originated with Marty Nemko. He says you have about one minute to speak your mind and then it’s time to turn the conversation over to someone else. The one minute comes from research that shows people stop listening quicker than you think. Here are the details: “During the first 30 seconds of an utterance, your light is green: your listener is probably paying attention. During the second 30 seconds, your light is yellow—your listener may be starting to wish you’d finish. After the one-minute mark, your light is red: Yes, there are rare times you should “run a red light:” but (only) when your listener is obviously fully engaged in your missive.” So now you see the importance of clarity before you speak. As you increase the harnessing of your tongue, remember, you are really harnessing your soul and body!

The 1 minute rule is a hard one! The point is to clarify before you speak. Now, don’t get out a stopwatch. That would look silly. But do take the principle and apply it. Remember, it is not all about you. As research shows, you are having mercy on the one listening. Don’t be the one who loves hearing their own voice. We do a favor / ministry, when we let other people talk so they can hear their own voice. 

I think we have enough to keep us busy for a while in the area of controlling our tongues. The goal here is not strict adherence to the tips, but to be perfectly controlled in our soul and body by Holy Spirit. The tongue is one tool to do this. It is a goal worth pursuing! 

Let’s review the tips on controlling our tongue as we close out this series. Tip #1 – Wake up every day and ask Holy Spirit for self-control. Tip #2 – Learn to Pause before speaking. Tip #3 – Try not giving your opinion unless asked. Tip #4 – Don’t speak for more than 1 minute at a time.